I'm obsessed with panda bears! they are amazing and snuggly and I want one to hug all day! When we were in Vienna, I dragged Gregzi to the zoo to look at pandas for hours, he agreed to go, but only on condition that if he found me a panda hat I had to wear it in public everywhere we went for the next few days. I agreed, rather stupidly thinking that he wouldn't find a panda hat anywhere, and he didn't find one at the zoo so I thought I was safe. Unfortunately in England we came upon one at the Cotswolds National Park, and I had to wear it for the rest of the holiday.... hmmmm got some interesting looks from people and was very unimpressed with gregory, but secretly... I quite liked my panda hat :P

this makes me happy

So I've started honors now... hmmmm its very different to anything I've done before. The orientation was a bit crushing, because I really want to do a creative writing dissertation but the supervisor for creative writing introduced himself by saying that we are too young and immature to write because we have no idea what we are talking about, and that he hates taking students on at honors level. great. So have to decide whether to still push through with creative writing even though chances are I'm going to be told my words are worthless and I'm not good enough the whole year... terrific. I'm already feeling stupid, everyone in my class is so immensely intelligent and well read, I actually feel a bit out of place. Anyway, it can only get better, and some of the stuff I'm reading about is very stimulating- I'm especially enjoying my course on commemorative culture and 9/11, based around literary theory. In other news, I'm lonely. Its weird how everyone's lives have changed so quickly, feel like we are all growing up so fast, I'm getting left behind! I think peter pan said you take the first evening star to the left then straight on to morning or something... if I could I would! I don't like change :( I miss my friends :(

Today is a heartbreak. I had to say goodbye to one of the best friends I've ever had, who was faithfully by my side for the last 15 years. You wont ever be forgotten my darling, we brought you home so you would be with us always, and we placed you by a tree so when it grows a little bit taller thats where we'll be, right next to you. You proved animals have souls, because I swear you always knew what I was thinking, and you were incredibly protective and loyal to our whole family. I'll love you always. RIP.

Will you be my valentine?

I love my boy, he is the best :) he makes me so happy xxx

Today was beautiful, I went wine tasting in Stellenbosch with Claire, Jeremy, Sandy, Greg and Andrew. We started off at Waterford, which was a lovely old stone building, set against the mountainside that reminded me of Tuscany. We tasted three of their wines, complemented by three different chocolates- amazing! The sweet dessert wine was my favourite, and the rock salt dark chocolate mmmmm. Then we went to Blaauklippens (spelling most definitely wrong) for lunch under the trees, and more wine :) After that we ended off our wine tasting tour at Rust en Vrede which was stunning, we had a table under the trees, slightly separate to the main restaurant and we tasted 4 of their best wines while looking out over the mountains and vineyard. Am a happy happy girl, wonderful day- expensive but so very worth it :)

New beginnings scare me, but maybe it is time for a change. I'm not myself at the moment, I miss being me. Its always like this though, I just need time, to settle into a new phase of my life. I miss you all though, its strange feeling so alone. I know no one, but that might be a good thing, its time to meet new people and to get out of myself a bit. I'm tired of all my own insecurities, I'm tired of holding myself back, I'm tired of not believing. Time to grow up. I would rather like to build myself a fort out of mattresses and blankets and scarves like I did when I was little and creep inside and become invisible for a while. Or my top cupboard, when I was small I would climb up to the top shelf of my cupboard and sit on it for ages, snuggled up against the spare blankets kept there... I miss that cupboard!