I am Sam


I am Sam

Sam I am


That Sam-I-am

That Sam-I-am!

I do not like

that Sam-I-am


Do you like 

green eggs and ham


I do not like them,

Sam-I-am.

I do not like

green eggs and ham.

I suddenly thought of this poem earlier, I used to read Dr Seuss all the time when I was little, so I wanted to find it again.

Snug in my old hoodie, with a cup of hot chocolate, rubbish on tv, watching the whistling wind and rain outside, lying on the comfiest couch in the world with a lovely warm duvet :) Been feeling really happy lately, in a good place in my life at the moment, I'm enjoying feeling organised and in control :) My family and friends have a lot to do with it as well, I am so lucky to have so many awesome people in my life! 

20 things I will never take for granted:

1. My family

2. my friends

3. my boy

4. my beautiful home; listening to the rain from inside a warm secure house

5. the endless supply of humus and pesto in my fridge :)

6. the freedom to have choices

7. the ability to make decisions

8. university and opportunities

9. language and words, and people who put them together in ways that touch my soul (ee cummings)

10. warmth and comfort

11. laughing (and crying too)

12. sunshine and picnics

13. my love of drawing, and thinking in images

14. gym with jessi and sushi too yummmmm

15. chats with kimmi- makes monday mornings bearable :)

16. the fire thats now burning and warming my toes

17. my car and my freedom

18. Braais on the patio with friends and good food

19. traveling to new amazing places- I can't wait for the trip I'm doing at the end of the year!

20. the beach, and the beauty of the city I live in

hello spring :)

Beatnik bazaar are having a lovely lovely competition this spring that I have to win! here is the facebook link! http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=38183521660&ref=ts  

a silver heart...

So today I did a very silly thing... I left one of my favourite necklaces, a silver heart greg surprised me with, on a beautiful silver chain, in the gym locker room... I cannot believe I did it, I took it off when jessi and I went in the sauna and just totally forgot to put it back on again. Then I was in the middle of my two hour tut and I reached for the heart which I always play with and it wasn't there and I freaked out because I love that necklace! So when my tut was finally over I went back to Kelvin and it was gone, and reception hadn't seen it, so I gave up and phoned greg, obviously really sad. A few hours later a woman called Colleen called and told me she found it, I was so happy! I called greg, and he sounded a bit upset so I asked him why, and he told me he drove all the way to Cavendish in secret and had brought me a new heart and chain to surprise me with later.... I have the best boy in the whole wide world! So now I have two hearts and I can't stop smiling :) I love that boy so much :)

I visited Sakhumzi centre for abandoned and orphaned children today, in the centre of a busy and bustling township. It was a humbling and special experience I feel very lucky to have been a part of. Our aim is to create a calender of images of the children to give to the sponsors at the next fund raising event. We arrived at the centre and all the little children (aged 2- 8) waved and said hello to us, sticking out their little thumbs, for us to knock our thumbs against, saying 'sharp sharp.' Their teachers, who are actually mostly just children themselves, who were unable to attend school due to the strikes, shepherded them into the classroom, where I asked them to teach us a song. They sang beautifully, but when they asked me to sing with them I struggled a bit, as unfortunately I don't speak any Xhosa. The teachers translated for us as we asked them questions about their favourite colours, pets, toys etc. Then all of the children sat down and we handed out paper and pens. At first they were very hesitant, they kept opening and closing the boxes of pastels, foreign objects that they were unsure what to do with. So I knelt down next to Stella, a beautiful bright little girl aged 4, and we drew together- I would draw something, then she would look at me and point at it and copy me, and add to the drawing as well. I wish I could have communicated with her better- she kept trying to ask me questions I couldn't understand, but I did know the Xhosa word for beautiful, and when I pointed at the picture and told her how lovely it was, her whole face lit up in an uncomplicated grin. It makes me so happy that the children at the centre seem so unscarred by their traumatic childhood experiences - mostly they seem relaxed and confident, thriving in the atmosphere of love and protection Mama Amelia, the orphanage owner, provides. Greg was the photographer, and the kids were fascinated by him and the camera, one tiny two year old would not stop following him around, trying to get his little hands on the camera lens! Greg was so sweet with him, and with all the children, and he took some stunning photographs. We asked each child to pose with their masterpiece and we photographed them all individually and in groups. At the end of the workshop we gave them all sweeties, and their little faces lit up and I felt the happiest I think I've felt in a long time. I hope I get the opportunity to do this again, each time one of the children reached for my hand or put their thumb against mine it was such a special experience. I really am so proud of what my parents are doing in this community, helping to build proper facilities for the orphans, providing an early childhood development centre, clinic, creche, and a new orphanage where there will be four children to one house mother, with their own room and space to grow. The project needs a lot of money in order to be realized but I believe that when people see these children and hear their stories that they will want to make a difference to their lives, and that the money will come. 

http://thymournia.deviantart.com/gallery/

he is amazing

dad's home :) 

Good day world

Today was a good day :) I went to all my lectures,  went to gym with jessi, had amazing sushi, went to the doctor to check out a gland that has been worrying me for months then helped greg with his essay and had supper with his parents. I am actually freaking out about this gland now, its been up for months, but the doctor thinks its fine,  so yeah, I'm not going to worry about it, no point right? Its strange, for a long time I completely forgot about it and now I keep trying to forget. Anyway being a hypochondriac, I'm just being silly. I'm going to focus on everything good in my life at the moment, my amazing friends, lovely parents and brother, my boy, sushi and gym and starting to feel good about myself again, beginning to paint again, the blossom tree in the garden, a beautiful big empty canvas, and the luxury of possibility- I have so many different choices open to me at the moment, and instead of being frightened of this, I've decided to embrace it- so what if I'm not entirely sure what I want to be, who is... at least I can feel myself getting closer to whatever it may be I want to do, pen or paintbrush, it will be a beautiful magical journey and I can't wait! 

Sunsets

Yesterday was a nice day :) I woke up late and then met jessi at kelvin and we tortured ourselves at gym for an hour or so. I love gymming with jessi, I would have zero motivation if she wasn't there aswell, and we had a nice chat too :) Then we went in the sauna to detox (haha I am still convinced that the toxins just steam out of you) and then we went to engen to buy food, I had a chicken and avo sandwich, yum! We are going to try and go twice a week, which will be great because I feel so good after I've exercised! 

I then went to a 2 hr tut on postmodernism that messed with my poor already tired mind, about third space.

Then I came home and greg called and wanted to go on a photo shoot. He's been getting really into photography lately and wants to learn to use the camera better, so we went to the hout bay harbour to take random photos of the boats and things. Greg ruined my diet by buying me a yummy sugarcone ice cream with a flake, and then we walked along the harbour, which is full of rusting textures, noisy seagulls and lazy seals. Greg took a million photos of me, which I wasn't that thrilled about, but some of them were quite nice. :) We then went round the camps bay road to one of the viewpoints and sat on the rock to watch the whales as the sun slowly set. It was beautiful, I love whales, I have always believed that they know all the secrets of the universe, which is probably why they are always alone, it must be lonely to know everything. I think it is our unending search for why and our ignorance that draws humanity together. I told greg this and he tickled me and pretended to yawn, but I think he agreed :P 

Anyway he took a bazillion photos of me and the sunset and it was lovely. 

It is a strange experience when a character you write about becomes embodied in a real person. Yesterday I went to Vida with Greg and sitting next to us was Wilfred Herman, a character I created for my fiction writing class, gorging guiltily on jellybabies. 

There was nothing that gave Wilfred Herman as much pleasure as a small packet of jellybabies. He became quite breathless at the thought of the treat, his already rather chubby, pink cheeks becoming even brighter. Once he had procured the jellybabies, he would retreat to a quiet place where he would be alone and uninterrupted. There, he would carefully open the packet, taking care not to rip it, and then would pour the sweets onto the surface in front of him. He proceeded to divide the jellies into their various colours, ensuring that each group had the same number. Excess jellybabies were quickly devoured with loud smacking chews and much snorting satisfaction.

He appointed each of the babies a different role: he did not like the colours red and green, thus those jellybabies were the enemy, while the yellow and blue babies, his favourite colours, were the heroes. An epic war would be staged between the two, with assorted china pieces and books becoming the terrain and obstacles. Unfortunately, after much fighting, with Wilfred enthusiastically providing sound effects, there would be multiple casualties. Many good jellybabies were lost in battle, with Wilfred obligingly biting off their different limbs. 

Wilfred especially enjoyed decapitations. He would make the unfortunate baby twitch for ages after he removed its head. It was during these moments that he smiled, bits of baby in his teeth and a bright gleam in those over- anxious eyes. When the red and green babies inevitably lost and were lined up for execution, he helped to bring the losers to justice by systematically biting off their heads. He spat each of these out and lined them up to warn future enemies of his savagery. Wilfred loved to inspire fear in the hearts of jellybabies. He ate the winning babies with tenderness and regret, sometimes even tears. In all his 46 years, Wilfred Herman had never learnt how rude it is to play with ones food. 

I wanted to go and hug the poor unfortunate soul next to us, who was just trying to eat his jellybabies in peace. I had to keep looking at him until Greg got all embarrassed and threatened to go and sit somewhere else :P But he didn't understand how exciting it was, a "stranger than fiction experience!" 

Anyway, I also managed to finish a canvas this week- a very small one, but its a start. I painted for 6 hours straight and it felt amazing and right and beautiful, so I will start my big campus soon, just need time.

Yesterday Greg and I went on a sushi date and it was lovely, I ate and ate and ate and was a very happy girl. I think he was rather shocked at just how much sushi I managed to consume in a very small space of time... it was impressive :) He is wonderful. He always gave me the last piece of salmon sushi which is our favourite, and he said a whole lot of nice things that made me all fuzzy inside. 

Then We went and watched the Bafana game with jeremy, claire, tom, andre etc, which was cool, except I think I'm deaf because I couldn't hear anyone over the music and soccer is boring and long. In 90 minutes only one try was scored and I was practically sleeping by the time we left. 

atomsandair

Do you love me

Do you need me

Am I your air

The polar force that

Moves you

Uncontrollably

Where you will not go

Let go

It is brave

To let go.

The world is waiting

Afterall

And a butterfly’s wing

Can kill a star.

Right now

Take my hand

And we will go

Bodies dispersed

Into atoms

Of air that join

With the wind

To ruffle your hair

Ashes to ashes

Let us grow

With the grass

In slender youth

To be masticated

By a lonely cow

Let us become

The downy feathers

Of a wooing dove

Let us tiptoe

Along spider’s spun

Silver

And then play together

On the white satin

Fragments

Of the lily lit

Wondrously by the light

Of the dying stars

Come

Let us go.

So... this weekend hasn't actually been too bad after all :P Friday I ended up chilling with jamie, jeremy, greg and claire which was lovely :) we talked a whole lot of crap and watched never mind the buzzcocks which is amazing, so funny! They are technically greg's friends because he knew them first but I've claimed them now :) 

Saturday... um I went to gym, managed 5k on the bike then collapsed in a sorry for self little heap on the arm lift machine thing,

 hate the boy next to me who was on about 60k ggrrrrrrr. Then made greg get ice cream with me... it was marcel's frozen yoghurt so could kind of pretend it was healthy (though did add a large topping of smarties so not sure how realistic that is) oh well... it was yummy :) Then helped mum cook supper, shame she is really stressed because dad left just as my grandpa's guests arrived. Gramps is quite physically disabled now so can't cook for them or really drive so we're having to do a lot for them. Anyway made amazing roast veggies with sunflower seeds and feta and potato bake and roast lamb mmmm, I love to cook so wasn't a big mission for me.

Sunday... Went for breakfast with Genni at M & B which was lovely, it was so nice to catch up with her. We used to be very close, but have kind of inevitably gone separate ways since she moved to Stellies, I still enjoy seeing her though, and miss her when I don't. After that I went and snuggled with greg and watched really lame series on TV- bestest thing to do in rubbish weather :) Then we met my mum and brother at Lucky fish in kalk bay and had fish and chips hahaha (sorry Jessi my diet is clearly failing :P I am weak, cannot say no to fish and chips!). Then later I went to Jessi's house to see some of the girls, because I hadn't seen them all weekend and I missed them! It was nice to catch up briefly, I love my friends :) 

And that was pretty much my weekend up until now... Monday is a public holiday because its woman's day, hoorah for being a woman! Not a particularly eventful weekend, but a nice one all the same :)

Moan and Groan

Today is lame. I'm at home on a friday night, greg's at butlers, my friends are all at a 21st I wasn't invited to, my dad just left for Australia for 3 weeks, I have pms, I am actually tired (never thought I would say this) of lame series on TV, my grandpa's friends just arrived and they are very nice but wont stop talking and I just ordered a pizza from butlers that was cold and my mum forgot the avo.. am just a grumpy girl so shall go to sleep and hopefully wake up better. This whole weekend is going to be pretty crap, I'm not going to Billy Talent or running the race so wont see the girls, and greg's pretty much working the whole weekend except on Sunday which he has declared "boy's night"... bromance much? So yes, I am very sorry for myself. Maybe will try and be productive for a change. Greg ordered me to get a canvas today and to find my paints. I felt sad when I found them, they were strewn all over my cupboard and desk, gathering dust so to speak. It was a nice feeling to hold all my old paintbrushes again, and to smell that painty smell. So yes, I am finally going to actually pull myself together and start a painting. Enough feeling sorry for myself, I will use this time! I just need to decide what to paint now. I've narrowed it down to 2 options, a woman with a baby on her back or this little girl who I think is so sweet, she has so much attitude! I love the Zambian people, they were generally so positive and friendly, with such a beautifully uncomplicated view of life. Those children broke my heart though, they all crowd around the car and yell "sweetie sweetie" with hands outstretched. I wanted to give them all sweets, but the kids that asked for books and pens to write with really got to me. The little villages we drove past had nothing, and were totally isolated. There were lots of schools around, but often the kids had to walk 20k just to get to class, and then sit through 6 hrs of school with no break and no food, I don't know how any child can function under those conditions. I think that there is a huge problem with the tourists giving the children sweets, it seems to corrupt a whole way of life, that functions perfectly when there is no interference. But then there are the children asking for books and education, surely that is something we should aid them with? Or is that just another way to impose Western education and values on them? I don't know, I just felt I wanted to go and work with the kids, teach them and actually just cuddle them, they grow up so quickly, I saw 7 year olds with wood twice their size on their heads, and 6 year olds carrying tiny babies and water. I wish I could make a difference, it sounds so cliche but its the way I feel. My dad is busy with a project to build an orphanage and creche at the moment in one of the township areas, I'm going to get more involved. 

 

Papery thin

wafer biscuit fingers

carress with

strength surprising

hold fast and dear

the smoothness

of my insecurity

and tell me

most gently 

a whisper

that holds my heart

caught in your crooked

bent hands that hold 

time and have paid the

price for it

you tell me most gently

while you trace the 

lines written on

my palms you define

me as you read so

gently

exactly me

and what I want 

the lines to say

and you say

so softly

looking at me

with such love

that I am beautiful

and all at once

in your loving old wisdom

beautiful I become

and then I never saw you again

you left me

but not before

you told me

what we needed together

to say and hear

so gently

I miss your

paperywafer hands.

Eve

Its so hard to cry

Easier to accept

That sometimes

Nothing really does change

It just

Gets harder to

Breathe

Erratic

Have you ever wondered why

The rabbit hole doesn’t exist

And talking flowers

Cant be heard

And eve naked

Lies

Carefully crafted

Uncaring (contradictory eyes) beneath

The broken branches

Destroyed she

Sought revenge

And cut sawed stripped bare

The knowing leering

Evidence

If its not there

It doesn’t exist.

Are we all just falling

Watching for an end

An eclipse

To justify our need

Why is not knowing

The hardest

State to bear

Would you have

Eaten the apple? 

This is what it feels like

I wrote this a year ago, and found it the other day, its a strange feeling reading something you wrote a long time ago, you remember and forget and wonder why.

She lies in the bath

Alone, submerged,

She sits absorbing

Resistant to the liquid

Embalming her

A watery tomb

The amniotic fluid

of a self imagined womb

spilling tears merge

invisible with the liquid whole

she lifts a hand

watching droplets as they slide

off prune finger tips

individual prisms escaping

insignificant.

She breathes deeply

Listening with her eyes

As she watches

The rise and fall

Of her stomach underneath

The transparent weight of

The weightless

Water

Eyes closed, spiky wet lashes

Against flushed cheeks

She sucks in air feeling

It full the ongoing

Emptiness

Chest expands rises with the water

As the air fills her she floats

Drifts to the top

Of the watery expanse

Limbs lost below

Visible and separate

She sinks quietly

Barely displacing

The satiny water that

Moves with her

Over her

She lies below eyes open

Watching the world

Through a glassy pane

She moves a hand sending ripples

Across the ocean

Distorting perfecting

Opening her mouth she releases

A tiny bubble of air

Tracing its journey as it rises

Uncontrollably

Until at the surface it explodes

Already forgotten the precise roundness

No more

She breathes out

Stream of bubbles

Consciousness

Rise rebellious

Lungs begin to burn

She needs air

Precious bubbles wasted

Refusing to submit

She lies waiting

Focusing on the fluid

Flowing

Around her

In her

She watches the ceiling

And wonders

If this is what it feels like

Survival versus will

She closes her eyes

Her mind blank

Filled by the pain of her

Unsatisfied lungs

Body fighting

As she falls

Asleep

Heavy head

Weightless head

Quiet

As the water holds her

drowning

She opens her eyes

And sees the light playing

With the water

Reflections

The pain is not there

She only feels

The water

Finally filled

Consumed entirely by need

She allows her body to float

In the bubbles path

She rises

Airless

To the top

Mouth opens

Air rushes in

So this is what it feels like.

So I keep seeing lists of things that make other people happy, and being a mindless fishy following the stream I have decided to make one myself...

1. The photographs in my room in frames and on the walls, of the people I love the most and of all the beautiful times we've had together

2. My mum's wedding dvd I watched for the first time last night, which has random footage of giant tortoises somehow spliced in the middle of it

3. My friends, who I could not live without

4. My parents

5. Snowflakes made of wood

6. the lucky bean flower I picked in Zambia, giving me enough luck to last for this year

7. The paper fold out houses, with tiny windows and doors on my book shelf

8. Photography course at UCT

9. My boy who always knows what I'm thinking

10. The whiteness of my new canvas, and the newness of my unused flesh coloured paint. 

11. Warm toes and electric blankets

12. Cuddles, and falling asleep in somebody's arms

13. My nails! I've finally stopped biting them! long may it last :)

14. The fact that while I was away the kids I look after asked every day when I was coming back

15. My new leather jacket (feel so hardcore...but not)

16. I went to gym today with jessi and had the best time, feel so much better already... its all very well staring disgustedly at the mirror but actually is nice to get off my butt and do something about it. And we had a sauna which was exciting, could feel the toxins steaming out :P

17. The little fairy my dad gave me, to guard my dreams, protecting me from nightmares

18. Tea.

19. The iphoto effects feature on my mac

, makes everything look better

20. The movie inception- it was thought provoking and interesting

inspiration

So I have a confession... I am more than a little bit absent minded and testimony to that is the fact that I managed to forget my password for this blog :P I'm such a fail, I actually despair sometimes, I really do live in the clouds :) So my last blog was a while ago, and its been interesting to read what I wrote... not much has really changed,  I still need to focus more and think about what I really want. 

 Our sexy irish lecturer told us about honours this morning.... it sounds quite scary, I'm struggling with some of the theoretical stuff we're doing this year which is extended in the honours program next year! I have to write a thesis as well... eeeekkkkkkkk, oh well will have to see how it all works out. I have been meaning to paint for a while now, I just got back from a 4 week trip to zambia, botswana and namibia with Greg and his family. I had a lovely time, although it was a bit too long towards the end, I missed my own family and friends! Greg and I are closer than ever though I still think I need a bit of time apart to do the things I need to do. Sigh. Growing up is hard and complicated. On the one hand I have people asking me if I'm older than 16, on the other hand I got mistaken for the mother of a six year old the other day, terrifying thought! I feel in between at the moment, like I am firmly stuck in the present but looking to the future all the time. I still strongly believe God has a plan for my life, and that everything happens for a reason, in my mind there's no such thing as a coincidence. Luckily I have beautiful friends who are going through similiar feelings to me, who never seem to grow tired of my rants, fears, groans and growls :) I want to paint a picture, I'm just waiting for inspiration, thats the problem I think, I'm always waiting for some sort of epiphany, I need to search for it instead.