On the edge

I feel strange today, on edge, restless, like I should be in a million other places. Its the year I graduate which I find absolutely terrifying. I have been so lazy at varsity, done minimal, night before kind of work that so far has been good enough, but I think that's going to change. I have to get into honours. If I don't I fail, and I don't have the energy to fail. I don't actually have a plan if that happens... I guess I would have to get a job, but I don't feel ready for that yet, not that you ever feel ready I guess, but I don't feel good enough or talented enough to compete in the big wide world. These last few years haven't challenged me, so I haven't bothered to challenge myself. Now I have to, and I'm so worried I wont live up to my own expectations. I want to know I'm good enough, but I don't know that, so I guess I will just have to try and see how it goes. There are other things I think are scaring me as well, I need to find myself again, to find out whether I'm still a believer, and what I want that to mean for my life. I have a feeling there is something more, but I don't know what I believe that is. I need to find out. I think it is time I actually started to actively work to achieve my goals for next year- it sounds so lame, but it's true, and it's time I spent a little bit of time soul searching and learning to be happy with myself again.  I am going to take my life into my own hands and try to be the person I want to be, whoever that is.