I leave for Europe tmrw eeekkkkk! so so excited! but also stressed cos I have a bazillion things to do still! better get a good nights sleep... night night xxx

It was my 21st last night! had the most amazing beautiful night, it was so special- exactly what I wanted it to be and more! It was quite small, with a masquerade, semi formal theme. I set up a photo booth with a venetian backdrop and a whole lot of different masks as props, which was so much fun! My speeches were just beautiful, em, kim, michi and gen made the first speech, summing up different aspects of my life and character through novels- loved loved loved it.  My brother made the next speech, which almost made me cry it was so sweet. Then we had mains... chicken ravioli in pesto sauce mmmmmmm. I could not stop eating last night, everything was sooo goood! Gregzi, jeremy and jamie made a speech after mains, which I loved, they found this blog though and quoted it.... hmmmmmmm problem :P Then my grandpa read a poem and then my dad made the most incredible speech about my relationship with my parents, my mum, and our family, followed by a slideshow of childhood photos and videos. Then my mum presented me with a book she wrote about my life, which is the most beautiful thing in the entire world and I don't have words to say how much it meant to me! It is full of memories starting with how my parents met, then my birth, memories of my first word (bobbo- bottle haha), my first steps, early holidays, my grandparents, christmas at sikona with my gran, daves birth, covering my life from my birth to university, with extracts from my dad telling his side of the story. its amazing. The last few pages are letters from my extended family, with stunning letters from my dad, mum, brother, aunt uncle, cousins, grandpas etc. My mum calls this book her love letter to me, and honestly I felt her love on every page, and my dad's as well, and I just love my family so much, my parents mean the world to me, I hope that one day my child has as much love for me as I have for them. I aspire every day to have a relationship and attitude like theirs, they are incredible! After that we had dessert- peppermint crisp pudding, creme brulee and custard tart- but I was so full by this stage couldn't each much! Then we cranked up the music, took to the dance floor and took more epic photos :) Honestly one of the most amazing days I've ever had, I had so much fun planning the whole thing with mum, and the actual night just whizzed by, but it was a night of love, happiness, laughter and friendship. 

uninspired. 

It was michi's 21st last night, it was a carnivalesque theme, and the whole back garden was transformed with fairy lights, bubbles, amazing food, and a marquee and photobooth and a candy floss machine- amazing! It was kind of similar to what I want my 21st to look like. I felt a bit lonely last night, its strange how sometimes you feel loneliest when you're surrounded with people, I just feel a bit out of touch with everyone I guess. It was a lovely night though, mustaches are awesome things, and mustache cookies are even better! 

Happy birthday greg! this is the third birthday I've celebrated with you, which is a bit scary but it kind of makes me happy that we're growing up together. Happy birthday to my beautiful mother as well :) I have a feeling of contentment today, even though my awful media exam is looming, I somehow feel like everything will be ok. I found this quote by Marilyn Monroe the other day, I don't particularly like her, but something in her words rang true for me. Its been a difficult year at times, but a beautiful one. I've learnt a lot. "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

Done. Its a waiting game now. 

I HAVE A NEW PUPPY! he's 10 weeks old and gorgeous and furry and looks like a giant teddybear and I can't stop cuddling him :) He hasn't got a name yet because my family can't agree on anything but it might be bear or scamp hmmmmmmm

eat pray love

Just watched eat pray love. food for thought. First I will let the future unfold as it will. I'm only 20, I'm not supposed to have it all figured out. Second I will not make any decisions I am not 100 % happy with. Third I would like to get to know myself a bit better, we've become strangers lately. Fourth I will stop obsessing about how I look and dolce far niente. Fifth I will devote more time to the people I love who make me who I am. Sixth I will try and make my mind still sometimes and try to learn to meditate. Seventh I will pray more. Eight I will be polite and understanding with myself. Nine I wont forget the dreams I had a few years ago, I will go and study overseas, I will learn Italian and live in Italy and paint there for a year, I will own a flat in Oxford, I will go to art school in London, I will write for a famous magazine, I will write a novel, I will learn to sew, I will have a darkroom and make time to photograph things that bring beauty into my life, I will have a family, I will be married in Tuscany in a field of sunflowers in the late lazy afternoon sun and ride off on the back of a motorbike, I will go back to Pisa and pray by Francis Assisi's pigeons, I will have a garden full of roses and a swinging chair and a library full of the most beautiful old books that smell like home and a glass atrium outside covered in honeysuckle and a cupboard full of mismatched beautiful china tea cups like my gran's, and I will never stop creating- I will keep writing and drawing and not give up. Ten I wont actively pursue being happy, but I will treasure every moment when I am happy and be grateful for these.

once upon a time there was a little girl with yellow hair and she was a cloud gazer and a believer and played mary in the church play and a shepherd once as well and one day at church everyone started to have miracles happening to them the church was full of people with teeth that suddenly changed to gold and silver and hands covered in gold glitter that wouldn't come off no matter how many times you scrubbed them and the little girl prayed and prayed for gold hands she checked her palms every minute and once she saw some flecks of glitter there but it turned out to be from her sparkly pen and she sat in worship one day and screwed her eyes up tight praying with all her little heart and she opened one eye secretly in case the priest was watching to check one lonely little palm but there was no glitter and now its 13 years later and she's still checking but theres no glitter so she's stopped praying well sort of because in some quiet corner of a heart that taken up mostly by herself she still names herself a believer and she still prays sometimes and waits but theres no glitter. no glitter at all. and sometimes it makes her cry but she pretends she doesn't care isn't she good enough maybe not. 

catch up...

So its been a little while and quite a lot has happened so lets try to catch up :)

Last week= awful... million essays to finish that I left to the last minute as usual- got to stop doing that... consequently put myself under too much pressure and I think produced three rather crappy essays that wont get me in postgrad sigh. moving on.

Friday a long time ago... helz arrived- surprise visit for jessi's birthday- lovely to see her, had cocktails at banana jam yum. went home worked like sad loser on a friday night. blegh.

Sat: Jessi's 21st! amazing night! had so much fun :) theme was rockstars and groupies so we all dressed up as jessi's groupies (made jess t- shirts) cos she's our rockstar :P It was at kelvin, had yummy awesome food, and saw lovely people, danced most of the night away, laughed at greg's afro (I hope he loses it- it looks terrible!), then slept at jess's house with the girls :) Woke up next morning, gave jess her present then had to scuttle off home to essay again ggrrrrr :( Spent Sunday working. sigh. 

Mon: Essays due. Handed in 2 of them and started the english one fml.

Tues: eng essay

wed: handed in eng essay- FREEEDDDDDOOMM! at last! Ummmmm its not going to get me in postgrad tho. mmmm not thinking bout that. too scary. 

Thurs: Shaun's 21st :) Got ready at lorzi's house- theme was everything looks better with a mustache which was fantastic! I was weirdly attatched to my new facial hair, that was so big it covered my mouth... made eating a problem which is fatal for me, so ditched it temporarily for a curly mustache bethi drew on for me with eyeliner :) Had fun with the girls at shaun's, lovely to just chill and chat :) 

Fri: Early morning 4:00 start ugh ugh ugh. not morning person at all so was a struggle. Got to airport with 20 min to spare raced to check in desk only to be told I wasn't on the flight. Mum ran to ticket reservations who told us they cancelled mum and my tickets- no further explanation given. Had to buy 2 new tickets- extra 12 grand. Mum and me could only get on later flight. Arrived in joburg ran all around airport from counter to counter trying to change ticket that SAA messed up in the first place- everyone was extremely unhelpful and rude and unfriendly- got sent from desk to desk for four hours. Gave up, cried and missed Kath's hen party. So crap. Finally arrived in zim at 7, tired and grumpy, but happy to see family at last! awful day. 

Sat: Stayed with chris in zim- awesome to see him :) He made us brekkies- first time he's used his stove in a year hehe :) Spent day with my family which made me so happy, I adore my family and rarely get to see them so it was special! Most of my family live in borrowdale brook in harare, and my uncle and aunt are 5 min away from it, so everyone was close by :) Went to uncle ant's house which is absolutely gorgeous- they have a garden full of trees that reminded me of my gran, whose presence I could feel the whole time I was in Zim. Ant has taken back one of our childhood books from the farm that was taken from us, I remember gran reading it to me- I could hear her voice in my head which made me miss her incredibly.

Sun: Walked from chris's house to sue and dave's (aunt and uncle), spent morning with kath doing wedding prep, laughing at her hair (curlers didn't quite work out how they were meant to hehe ) and spending some time chatting to her which was lovely, because she's like my sister and I've missed her. She was amazingly calm and sure of her decision to marry darren, she is a strong Christian and God gave her a lot of peace the whole time before the wedding. Later we all left for the Wild Geese, where the wedding was and spent the afternoon getting ready- we were so relaxed- ate toasted sandwiches and chips an hour before the ceremony :P Then we all rushed into action- dresses on, hair piece in, make up applied, and then helped kath to get into her beautiful dress! It was strapless with beading down the front, very simple but absolutely gorgeous on her. We get to the door of the church and I started choking up and trying hard not to cry, the doors opened and I walked down the aisle. The ceremony was lovely, it was very personalised as Kath and Darren knew the priest well, and he made it a tribute to both of them- their goodness and love. My dad did some readings, then Kath handed me her bouquet, the rings were exchanged they signed the register and it was all over, they were Mr and Mrs Denholm :) I am so happy and proud of my cousin, I have so much admiration for her- she's had a lot of trials to overcome to get to the point of marriage and she's overcome all of them, never doubting that Darren was the one- I hope I feel like that when I get married. We went to have photos after that, which I'm pretty sure I'll look terrible in! They were taken by a dam in a game park with the sun just setting so should be stunning light. We went back to the reception, I was honoured I was sitting with Kath and Darren :) Then we ate good food, chatted, laughed, heard speeches- Darren's was amazing- all about his and Kath's plans and his love for her- made me choke up again, and then the first dance happened. ugh that was awful! I had to dance with one of the groomsmen and I can't dance so kept tripping over his toes and shuffled round in circles. I solemnly swear I will go to dancing lessons one day, will drag greg with me ha! I had a dance with my dad which was so nice :) We were both terrible but that didn't matter :) Danced for a while, chatted, caught up more with my family, then left for home and collapsed into bed exhausted. Such a happy, lovely day :)

Monday: Had breakfast with the family at Wild Geese. Spent time with my aunt miekes- she fetched mum and me and we went with my other aunt trish and my cousin la, to a craft market which was great :) Saw some lovely things.. Then we had to say goodbye to everyone which hurt, because I don't know when I'll see them again. Had supper at Chris's, then had an early night, still tired after the wedding. The next morning flew at 7:20, and strated the epic journey home. Got home at 2, unpacked, chilled, caught up with people, then went for supper with greg :) 

Picked up my bridesmaid dress today yay! lovelovelove it, though its in that clingy material which means that I can't eat for a week if I don't want to look like a stuffed walrus walking down the aisle :P Below is a rather optimistic drawing of self in dress... it has a sweetheart neckline, with black lace along the edge and chest to form an empire waist :) 

Today I had a really terrible english test, so instead of feeling bleak I'm going to think of 5 good things I have to be grateful for at the moment...

1. I had an awesome nap yesterday :)

2. Jessi's 21st on Sat... so excited!!!

3. almost Kath's wedding and my bridesmaids dress is done yay, picking it up tmrw, and starving myself this week so I can fit into it!

4. Snuggles and cuddles

5. Saw kimmi, jess and lorz today :) 

pictures from chapman's peak during the holidays :)

Beach Day!

Lovely lovely day! Beautiful weather, beautiful food, beautiful people :) I am the official leader of the brunch club haha, we meet 2- 3 times a month at a different venue for brunch- the best of all meals :) So this Sat we went to the olympia cafe in kalk bay for yummy yummy croissants that made me a very happy girl mmmmm

Then we walked to the beach stopping at a few shops en route- I saw so many things I want to get my little paws on, but no money no money! Birthday soon though ;)

The beach was absolutely amazing, there was a whale extremely close in, which made me very excited! We made sandcastles, we laughed, we played football, we tanned (or just burned in my case) we chatted and we wave hopped and it was lovely.

From the beach we went to Brass Bell and had chips and then we went across the road to the ice cafe for the best ice cream in the whole wide world... I had honeycomb and pina colada flavour- amazing :) 

Summer is here, and I am a very happy little fish, can't wait for the next outing to the beach, there will be many :) Though this week is going to be awful- 3 essays and a test ugh, but not going to think about that now! 

I'm tired today, very tired. I am meant to be at karaoke right now, but I actually am just not up to it tonight, much as I know it will be awesome and embaressing and amazing.. I'm kind of cross with myself for not going, because I wanted to see my friends, and I really wanted to spend some time with the guys that will be there, who I've kind of lost touch with, which makes me sad, but is mostly my fault. I find it really difficult to stay in touch with people, I don't know why, I think I'm just stupidly shy so I get scared people don't reli want to see me etc, so lame I know, I guess I just think I'm kind of boring. Which is true, I mean I am sitting at home right now, but still, I need to get over it. Greg's cousins are down from aus at the moment and my gosh they are different! They are really nice, but also loud, obnoxious and constantly trying to push my buttons, with the crudest jokes I've ever heard, and I respond exactly how they want me to every time. Yesterday one of them hurt my feelings, he told me I was cute and really really conservative. Sigh, it was kind of hard to take, I hate how people often don't take me seriously, and how he jokingly belittled everything I hold so valuable. But then I started thinking, and I guess there is some truth to what he's saying, I am very narrow minded in lots of ways, partly because of the way I've been brought up, there are some things I have strong opinions against, but I'm not ashamed of that! I am really tired of being reduced to a 'cute little girl' as he called me though- so annoying! It makes me feel 2 years old! Not appreciated. anyway, rant over. I need to get stronger, to be more decisive, to care less what people think, to take criticism, to have more foresight, to not judge so quickly, to be more open minded, to believe I have something to offer people, to be more light hearted and less serious, to stop trying to grow up so fast, to be more outgoing, to make an effort with people and to place less restrictions on myself. Sigh. for now, I just need to sleep. 

I will cheer myself up by thinking about the week so far........ Tiger on thurs was pretty awesome, drank a lot, Greg's cousin kept buying me drinks, we bonded haha, it was nice to just let go and have fun, I wasn't driving for once so just enjoyed myself :) Crap music, but had fun dancing anyway, woke up with a massive bruise on my arm I don't remember getting, but I suspect is either from fighting with jeremy over the glowy bracelet thing, or tackling Raffi or ...no idea? haha

Friday: highlight was drinks on chapman's peak with kim, jess, laura, em and grant, watching the sunset- what a beautiful city I live in! Was hanging pretty badly though so early bedtime :P Oh I also went to kalk bay for breakfast- olympia croissant with mushroom and mozzerella mmmmm amazing! Oh and I saw em for a little bit, which was nice, love that girl :) 

Saturday: ummmm I wanted to go to the biscuit mill but never got there- next weekend! I went to pick and pay for braai stuff with greg in the am, chilled at his house for a bit. Then in the evening we had a braai at his house which was cool, watched the rugby with the australian cousins which wasn't a good idea as we lost! Braai was yummy, first braai of summer :) My potato salad was a winner haha. After that evening was a bit lame, bit of tension, but I played killing floor and shot lots of zombies with the boys which made greg happy- claire mustn't find out though, I'll be ostracized haha, oh and I almost won pool against the boys! Got to bed at 4:30 though, so tired!

Sunday: not very eventful, can't actually remember what I did! woke up late, came home, did some work for ekukhanyeni- I designed a calender for the sponsors, which we're going to get clint eastwood to sign and auction on ebay, designed the logo and invite aswell. Um then saw my family which was nice :) 

Monday: Gym with jessi- was proud of us for going, then went to long street with greg and bought a pretty pretty dress I couldn't actually afford but couldn't resist from journey. unimpressed bf for being dragged to long street. I saw the most beautiful old school cameras in one of the antique shops that I really want to get my paws on someday when I actually have a bit of cash! Went to mercury last night, which was ridiculously crowded, and as we got there they stopped playing the good music, so we moved to tin roof, which isn't my favourite. I'm really not a clubbing sort of person, but the cousins seemed to enjoy it! I was quite ashamed of my dancing skills compared to theirs! I need help! We left at 2:30ish, got juicy burgers, went home, chatted, got to be at 4:30 again. You have to remember I am a girl that usually can't stay awake past 10 so the past week has been impressive for me!

Today: Woke up late, out for lunch- princess sandwich yummmmmm, au pairing, home, lame tv, sleeeeeeeeeeeeppppp at last

 

a few verses of the love song of alfred j prufrock, which is a poem I love and will never quite understand, and possibly I love it more because of this.

For I have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,	50
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume? And I have known the eyes already, known them all—         55 The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase, And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin, When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall, Then how should I begin To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?         60   And how should I presume? And would it have been worth it, after all, After the cups, the marmalade, the tea, Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me, Would it have been worth while,         90 To have bitten off the matter with a smile, To have squeezed the universe into a ball To roll it toward some overwhelming question, To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead, Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—         95 If one, settling a pillow by her head,   Should say: “That is not what I meant at all.   That is not it, at all.” Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach? I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach. I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.   I do not think that they will sing to me.         125   I have seen them riding seaward on the waves Combing the white hair of the waves blown back When the wind blows the water white and black.   We have lingered in the chambers of the sea By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown         130 Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

I am Sam


I am Sam

Sam I am


That Sam-I-am

That Sam-I-am!

I do not like

that Sam-I-am


Do you like 

green eggs and ham


I do not like them,

Sam-I-am.

I do not like

green eggs and ham.

I suddenly thought of this poem earlier, I used to read Dr Seuss all the time when I was little, so I wanted to find it again.

Snug in my old hoodie, with a cup of hot chocolate, rubbish on tv, watching the whistling wind and rain outside, lying on the comfiest couch in the world with a lovely warm duvet :) Been feeling really happy lately, in a good place in my life at the moment, I'm enjoying feeling organised and in control :) My family and friends have a lot to do with it as well, I am so lucky to have so many awesome people in my life! 

20 things I will never take for granted:

1. My family

2. my friends

3. my boy

4. my beautiful home; listening to the rain from inside a warm secure house

5. the endless supply of humus and pesto in my fridge :)

6. the freedom to have choices

7. the ability to make decisions

8. university and opportunities

9. language and words, and people who put them together in ways that touch my soul (ee cummings)

10. warmth and comfort

11. laughing (and crying too)

12. sunshine and picnics

13. my love of drawing, and thinking in images

14. gym with jessi and sushi too yummmmm

15. chats with kimmi- makes monday mornings bearable :)

16. the fire thats now burning and warming my toes

17. my car and my freedom

18. Braais on the patio with friends and good food

19. traveling to new amazing places- I can't wait for the trip I'm doing at the end of the year!

20. the beach, and the beauty of the city I live in

hello spring :)

Beatnik bazaar are having a lovely lovely competition this spring that I have to win! here is the facebook link! http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=38183521660&ref=ts  

a silver heart...

So today I did a very silly thing... I left one of my favourite necklaces, a silver heart greg surprised me with, on a beautiful silver chain, in the gym locker room... I cannot believe I did it, I took it off when jessi and I went in the sauna and just totally forgot to put it back on again. Then I was in the middle of my two hour tut and I reached for the heart which I always play with and it wasn't there and I freaked out because I love that necklace! So when my tut was finally over I went back to Kelvin and it was gone, and reception hadn't seen it, so I gave up and phoned greg, obviously really sad. A few hours later a woman called Colleen called and told me she found it, I was so happy! I called greg, and he sounded a bit upset so I asked him why, and he told me he drove all the way to Cavendish in secret and had brought me a new heart and chain to surprise me with later.... I have the best boy in the whole wide world! So now I have two hearts and I can't stop smiling :) I love that boy so much :)

I visited Sakhumzi centre for abandoned and orphaned children today, in the centre of a busy and bustling township. It was a humbling and special experience I feel very lucky to have been a part of. Our aim is to create a calender of images of the children to give to the sponsors at the next fund raising event. We arrived at the centre and all the little children (aged 2- 8) waved and said hello to us, sticking out their little thumbs, for us to knock our thumbs against, saying 'sharp sharp.' Their teachers, who are actually mostly just children themselves, who were unable to attend school due to the strikes, shepherded them into the classroom, where I asked them to teach us a song. They sang beautifully, but when they asked me to sing with them I struggled a bit, as unfortunately I don't speak any Xhosa. The teachers translated for us as we asked them questions about their favourite colours, pets, toys etc. Then all of the children sat down and we handed out paper and pens. At first they were very hesitant, they kept opening and closing the boxes of pastels, foreign objects that they were unsure what to do with. So I knelt down next to Stella, a beautiful bright little girl aged 4, and we drew together- I would draw something, then she would look at me and point at it and copy me, and add to the drawing as well. I wish I could have communicated with her better- she kept trying to ask me questions I couldn't understand, but I did know the Xhosa word for beautiful, and when I pointed at the picture and told her how lovely it was, her whole face lit up in an uncomplicated grin. It makes me so happy that the children at the centre seem so unscarred by their traumatic childhood experiences - mostly they seem relaxed and confident, thriving in the atmosphere of love and protection Mama Amelia, the orphanage owner, provides. Greg was the photographer, and the kids were fascinated by him and the camera, one tiny two year old would not stop following him around, trying to get his little hands on the camera lens! Greg was so sweet with him, and with all the children, and he took some stunning photographs. We asked each child to pose with their masterpiece and we photographed them all individually and in groups. At the end of the workshop we gave them all sweeties, and their little faces lit up and I felt the happiest I think I've felt in a long time. I hope I get the opportunity to do this again, each time one of the children reached for my hand or put their thumb against mine it was such a special experience. I really am so proud of what my parents are doing in this community, helping to build proper facilities for the orphans, providing an early childhood development centre, clinic, creche, and a new orphanage where there will be four children to one house mother, with their own room and space to grow. The project needs a lot of money in order to be realized but I believe that when people see these children and hear their stories that they will want to make a difference to their lives, and that the money will come. 

http://thymournia.deviantart.com/gallery/

he is amazing

dad's home :) 

Good day world

Today was a good day :) I went to all my lectures,  went to gym with jessi, had amazing sushi, went to the doctor to check out a gland that has been worrying me for months then helped greg with his essay and had supper with his parents. I am actually freaking out about this gland now, its been up for months, but the doctor thinks its fine,  so yeah, I'm not going to worry about it, no point right? Its strange, for a long time I completely forgot about it and now I keep trying to forget. Anyway being a hypochondriac, I'm just being silly. I'm going to focus on everything good in my life at the moment, my amazing friends, lovely parents and brother, my boy, sushi and gym and starting to feel good about myself again, beginning to paint again, the blossom tree in the garden, a beautiful big empty canvas, and the luxury of possibility- I have so many different choices open to me at the moment, and instead of being frightened of this, I've decided to embrace it- so what if I'm not entirely sure what I want to be, who is... at least I can feel myself getting closer to whatever it may be I want to do, pen or paintbrush, it will be a beautiful magical journey and I can't wait! 

Sunsets

Yesterday was a nice day :) I woke up late and then met jessi at kelvin and we tortured ourselves at gym for an hour or so. I love gymming with jessi, I would have zero motivation if she wasn't there aswell, and we had a nice chat too :) Then we went in the sauna to detox (haha I am still convinced that the toxins just steam out of you) and then we went to engen to buy food, I had a chicken and avo sandwich, yum! We are going to try and go twice a week, which will be great because I feel so good after I've exercised! 

I then went to a 2 hr tut on postmodernism that messed with my poor already tired mind, about third space.

Then I came home and greg called and wanted to go on a photo shoot. He's been getting really into photography lately and wants to learn to use the camera better, so we went to the hout bay harbour to take random photos of the boats and things. Greg ruined my diet by buying me a yummy sugarcone ice cream with a flake, and then we walked along the harbour, which is full of rusting textures, noisy seagulls and lazy seals. Greg took a million photos of me, which I wasn't that thrilled about, but some of them were quite nice. :) We then went round the camps bay road to one of the viewpoints and sat on the rock to watch the whales as the sun slowly set. It was beautiful, I love whales, I have always believed that they know all the secrets of the universe, which is probably why they are always alone, it must be lonely to know everything. I think it is our unending search for why and our ignorance that draws humanity together. I told greg this and he tickled me and pretended to yawn, but I think he agreed :P 

Anyway he took a bazillion photos of me and the sunset and it was lovely. 

It is a strange experience when a character you write about becomes embodied in a real person. Yesterday I went to Vida with Greg and sitting next to us was Wilfred Herman, a character I created for my fiction writing class, gorging guiltily on jellybabies. 

There was nothing that gave Wilfred Herman as much pleasure as a small packet of jellybabies. He became quite breathless at the thought of the treat, his already rather chubby, pink cheeks becoming even brighter. Once he had procured the jellybabies, he would retreat to a quiet place where he would be alone and uninterrupted. There, he would carefully open the packet, taking care not to rip it, and then would pour the sweets onto the surface in front of him. He proceeded to divide the jellies into their various colours, ensuring that each group had the same number. Excess jellybabies were quickly devoured with loud smacking chews and much snorting satisfaction.

He appointed each of the babies a different role: he did not like the colours red and green, thus those jellybabies were the enemy, while the yellow and blue babies, his favourite colours, were the heroes. An epic war would be staged between the two, with assorted china pieces and books becoming the terrain and obstacles. Unfortunately, after much fighting, with Wilfred enthusiastically providing sound effects, there would be multiple casualties. Many good jellybabies were lost in battle, with Wilfred obligingly biting off their different limbs. 

Wilfred especially enjoyed decapitations. He would make the unfortunate baby twitch for ages after he removed its head. It was during these moments that he smiled, bits of baby in his teeth and a bright gleam in those over- anxious eyes. When the red and green babies inevitably lost and were lined up for execution, he helped to bring the losers to justice by systematically biting off their heads. He spat each of these out and lined them up to warn future enemies of his savagery. Wilfred loved to inspire fear in the hearts of jellybabies. He ate the winning babies with tenderness and regret, sometimes even tears. In all his 46 years, Wilfred Herman had never learnt how rude it is to play with ones food. 

I wanted to go and hug the poor unfortunate soul next to us, who was just trying to eat his jellybabies in peace. I had to keep looking at him until Greg got all embarrassed and threatened to go and sit somewhere else :P But he didn't understand how exciting it was, a "stranger than fiction experience!" 

Anyway, I also managed to finish a canvas this week- a very small one, but its a start. I painted for 6 hours straight and it felt amazing and right and beautiful, so I will start my big campus soon, just need time.

Yesterday Greg and I went on a sushi date and it was lovely, I ate and ate and ate and was a very happy girl. I think he was rather shocked at just how much sushi I managed to consume in a very small space of time... it was impressive :) He is wonderful. He always gave me the last piece of salmon sushi which is our favourite, and he said a whole lot of nice things that made me all fuzzy inside. 

Then We went and watched the Bafana game with jeremy, claire, tom, andre etc, which was cool, except I think I'm deaf because I couldn't hear anyone over the music and soccer is boring and long. In 90 minutes only one try was scored and I was practically sleeping by the time we left. 

atomsandair

Do you love me

Do you need me

Am I your air

The polar force that

Moves you

Uncontrollably

Where you will not go

Let go

It is brave

To let go.

The world is waiting

Afterall

And a butterfly’s wing

Can kill a star.

Right now

Take my hand

And we will go

Bodies dispersed

Into atoms

Of air that join

With the wind

To ruffle your hair

Ashes to ashes

Let us grow

With the grass

In slender youth

To be masticated

By a lonely cow

Let us become

The downy feathers

Of a wooing dove

Let us tiptoe

Along spider’s spun

Silver

And then play together

On the white satin

Fragments

Of the lily lit

Wondrously by the light

Of the dying stars

Come

Let us go.

So... this weekend hasn't actually been too bad after all :P Friday I ended up chilling with jamie, jeremy, greg and claire which was lovely :) we talked a whole lot of crap and watched never mind the buzzcocks which is amazing, so funny! They are technically greg's friends because he knew them first but I've claimed them now :) 

Saturday... um I went to gym, managed 5k on the bike then collapsed in a sorry for self little heap on the arm lift machine thing,

 hate the boy next to me who was on about 60k ggrrrrrrr. Then made greg get ice cream with me... it was marcel's frozen yoghurt so could kind of pretend it was healthy (though did add a large topping of smarties so not sure how realistic that is) oh well... it was yummy :) Then helped mum cook supper, shame she is really stressed because dad left just as my grandpa's guests arrived. Gramps is quite physically disabled now so can't cook for them or really drive so we're having to do a lot for them. Anyway made amazing roast veggies with sunflower seeds and feta and potato bake and roast lamb mmmm, I love to cook so wasn't a big mission for me.

Sunday... Went for breakfast with Genni at M & B which was lovely, it was so nice to catch up with her. We used to be very close, but have kind of inevitably gone separate ways since she moved to Stellies, I still enjoy seeing her though, and miss her when I don't. After that I went and snuggled with greg and watched really lame series on TV- bestest thing to do in rubbish weather :) Then we met my mum and brother at Lucky fish in kalk bay and had fish and chips hahaha (sorry Jessi my diet is clearly failing :P I am weak, cannot say no to fish and chips!). Then later I went to Jessi's house to see some of the girls, because I hadn't seen them all weekend and I missed them! It was nice to catch up briefly, I love my friends :) 

And that was pretty much my weekend up until now... Monday is a public holiday because its woman's day, hoorah for being a woman! Not a particularly eventful weekend, but a nice one all the same :)

Moan and Groan

Today is lame. I'm at home on a friday night, greg's at butlers, my friends are all at a 21st I wasn't invited to, my dad just left for Australia for 3 weeks, I have pms, I am actually tired (never thought I would say this) of lame series on TV, my grandpa's friends just arrived and they are very nice but wont stop talking and I just ordered a pizza from butlers that was cold and my mum forgot the avo.. am just a grumpy girl so shall go to sleep and hopefully wake up better. This whole weekend is going to be pretty crap, I'm not going to Billy Talent or running the race so wont see the girls, and greg's pretty much working the whole weekend except on Sunday which he has declared "boy's night"... bromance much? So yes, I am very sorry for myself. Maybe will try and be productive for a change. Greg ordered me to get a canvas today and to find my paints. I felt sad when I found them, they were strewn all over my cupboard and desk, gathering dust so to speak. It was a nice feeling to hold all my old paintbrushes again, and to smell that painty smell. So yes, I am finally going to actually pull myself together and start a painting. Enough feeling sorry for myself, I will use this time! I just need to decide what to paint now. I've narrowed it down to 2 options, a woman with a baby on her back or this little girl who I think is so sweet, she has so much attitude! I love the Zambian people, they were generally so positive and friendly, with such a beautifully uncomplicated view of life. Those children broke my heart though, they all crowd around the car and yell "sweetie sweetie" with hands outstretched. I wanted to give them all sweets, but the kids that asked for books and pens to write with really got to me. The little villages we drove past had nothing, and were totally isolated. There were lots of schools around, but often the kids had to walk 20k just to get to class, and then sit through 6 hrs of school with no break and no food, I don't know how any child can function under those conditions. I think that there is a huge problem with the tourists giving the children sweets, it seems to corrupt a whole way of life, that functions perfectly when there is no interference. But then there are the children asking for books and education, surely that is something we should aid them with? Or is that just another way to impose Western education and values on them? I don't know, I just felt I wanted to go and work with the kids, teach them and actually just cuddle them, they grow up so quickly, I saw 7 year olds with wood twice their size on their heads, and 6 year olds carrying tiny babies and water. I wish I could make a difference, it sounds so cliche but its the way I feel. My dad is busy with a project to build an orphanage and creche at the moment in one of the township areas, I'm going to get more involved. 

 

Papery thin

wafer biscuit fingers

carress with

strength surprising

hold fast and dear

the smoothness

of my insecurity

and tell me

most gently 

a whisper

that holds my heart

caught in your crooked

bent hands that hold 

time and have paid the

price for it

you tell me most gently

while you trace the 

lines written on

my palms you define

me as you read so

gently

exactly me

and what I want 

the lines to say

and you say

so softly

looking at me

with such love

that I am beautiful

and all at once

in your loving old wisdom

beautiful I become

and then I never saw you again

you left me

but not before

you told me

what we needed together

to say and hear

so gently

I miss your

paperywafer hands.

Eve

Its so hard to cry

Easier to accept

That sometimes

Nothing really does change

It just

Gets harder to

Breathe

Erratic

Have you ever wondered why

The rabbit hole doesn’t exist

And talking flowers

Cant be heard

And eve naked

Lies

Carefully crafted

Uncaring (contradictory eyes) beneath

The broken branches

Destroyed she

Sought revenge

And cut sawed stripped bare

The knowing leering

Evidence

If its not there

It doesn’t exist.

Are we all just falling

Watching for an end

An eclipse

To justify our need

Why is not knowing

The hardest

State to bear

Would you have

Eaten the apple?